Pain Had A Name
by Killian's Distraction
Summary: He could feel his resolve failing, his need to take her desperately into his arms growing with every passing second. He wanted so much to kiss her right then and there, curse be damned. Set after Zelena curses Hook's lips. What goes on in Hook's mind after he leaves the apartment. One shot.


**Pairing:** Captain Swan

**Disclaimer: **All characters are owned by Adam Horowitz and Eddy Kitsis, but man I wish I did. Tough.

*The story is in Killian's POV

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"Killian, wait," Emma called after his retreating figure. He stopped. He couldn't do this right now. At least not like this, but he turned toward his Swan anyway, eyes expectant, and wondered what was left that she had to say.

"Whatever happened this past year—whatever it is you're not telling me—I don't care. I'm tired of living in the past," she finished rather shyly, he noticed, not looking at his eyes.

He could feel his resolve failing, his need to take her desperately into his arms growing with every passing second. He wanted so much to kiss her right then and there, curse be damned. This was what he wanted, what he dreamed of, what he yearned for, and yet, he could not. He would not. He could never take it upon himself to be selfish with her. Walking away from her would be best then, he thought. For him, for Emma, and for the boy, Henry.

Zelena had threatened him too.

"I may not be able to hurt Emma but I can hurt those around her," the witch had said. "Her parents," his thoughts went to the Charmings and the friendship he had grown to share with them, especially David, "her friends," she continued, "her child." He fired back at this. He would never let her hurt the boy. Not now that he had grown to share a bond with him.

"Do not go near them," he'd said. Well, he had growled at her.

And once again, she sneered at him like Emma had done the first time they met in the Enchanted Forest. She had seen right through his trickery, left him for dead on a beanstalk, walked away from him repeatedly and pushed him away as though she did not feel their connection, but now she did and now it was his turn to walk away.

"_Not by choice_," he thought to himself, but it had to be done.

With one last look at her, his heart sank as he gave out his reply.

"I know how you feel," and with that, he walked away: from his love, his life, and any chance he had at a fresh start with a new family.

But what he could not see was that Emma was slowly falling apart herself. She was a strong woman. With all the things life had thrown at her, she had to be. She was the savior after all.

But what good was it to be the savior if she could not even save herself from this. Five words. That was all it took to send her crashing down from her glorious new high.

And that was all he needed to leave, really.

It was what pushed him to go, even if he so desperately wanted to turn back and tell her everything, to work it out.

"Together," she would say.

_"But I can't. I just can't, so please,"_ he begged, _"Don't blame yourself,"_ Killian thought as he neared the center of the town. He really couldn't shake the thought out of his head. Of her putting herself down, saying she wasn't worth it.

"But you didn't do anything wrong, love. It was me. It was always me. I am the problem," he said with a sense of urgency.

He could no longer take the madness. He stopped in front of Granny's and took out his spyglass. He had to see her. One last time. One last glance at his beautiful Swan.

And there she was. Ever so radiant. She was laughing and smiling. That was good. She needed it. She deserved it.

"_I could never make her happy like that anyway_," he thought, trying to make himself numb from all the pain. But it was always there.

It was like a fire, burning him slowly and eating him up inside, the flames like tongues of fire, never to be extinguished. It was a part of him now.

It was then, that he finally knew what true pain was. Not when his father abandoned him. Not when he lost his dear brother Liam. Not when Rumplestiltskin cut off his hand. Not when Baelfire looked at him with all the hatred in the realms. Not even when his love Milah died in his arms, with her love for him still fresh on her lips. No.

Pain had a name now, he knew. It would haunt him forever, like a ghost pinned to his shadow. An extension of himself.

Pain had a name, of that he was certain.

Pain had a name, and its name was Emma Swan.

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A/N: Hi guys :) So, this is another drabble after 3x17. The funny thing is that I actually wrote this before _Together_, but then I got to posting that one first, so yeah haha :)) I posted this on tumblr as well, so hey, give it a like/reblog! Reviews would be great, if you'd want to :)


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